Now
by AoifeRose
Summary: Amanda and Olivia deal with things post 15x1. Different to how it's down in SVU obviously or I wouldn't be writing it! But some spoilers for what happened so be warned. Rated M for a number of reasons including language and sexual content.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a post 15x1 episode – so there's reference to what happened in the premiere as a warning to those of you who haven't seen it. Its not set anywhere in SVU time – just post 15x1. **

**As always none of them are mine, I just borrow them to play with. I have it in the M section for now because of language but later it will probably be for sexual content – don't quote me on that however because this is kind of a tricky one to write!**

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Fingers in her hair she ran them through the soft locks towards the back of her head and down onto her neck. They stopped short on cool skin forgetting that her hair was shorter.

The cell phone records she was looking at still didn't make any sense. When she thought she saw her own phone number on the page she knew it was time for coffee.

She stood up and stretched, rotating her neck to work out the stiffness of the last hour of work.

There was no fresh coffee so she put a new filter in the machine and began to make a pot.

The smell permeated Amanda Rollins' nostrils as she walked into the squad room.

"Mmm. Something smells real good"

Olivia turned to see the blonde walking towards her desk; "Will be ready in two minutes"

"Detective Benson did anyone ever tell you you have perfect timing?"

"Every day. Especially the ones I catch in the middle of destroying evidence"

Amanda laughed as she slumped into her chair sighing loudly

"Long day detective?"

Amanda sighed again. "Nothing really. Just a flasher in the park. Freaked out two girls".

Olivia busied herself grabbing mugs for the coffee but they clattered together as her hands shook slightly.

"Shit, Liv, I…"

Olivia held her hand up "99.9 percent of the time Rollins they're just pervs not psychopaths"

"Yeah but…"

"Honestly Rollins, don't worry about it"

"K. I just… you know I didn't mean 'nothin' – I meant I wrote the bastard up, got the girls home safe and he's in front of a judge tomorrow for indecent exposure"

Olivia removed the coffee pot and poured coffee into two mugs.

Pulling her chair over to Rollins desk she put the two coffee cups down and waited until the blonde had stopped rambling. Giving her a small smile she pushed the second mug towards her.

"Amanda, it's okay. Lewis was the exception to the rule"

"That's awful polite. Me I'd go for something like fuckwit, scum of the earth, reckless, self righteous psychotic whack job"

Olivia gave a small smile "Thought a lot about that one didn't you?"  
"Believe me that's me being polite. If there had been audio on the CCTV in here when you were…" Amanda started to play with the corner of a notebook on her desk unsure how to say it.

"It's okay Amanda you can say it, when I was abducted"  
"When you were abducted" Amanda said hesitantly "if there'd been audio on those cameras" she pointed to the blinking red light in the corner "I'm pretty sure we'd all have lost our jobs over our conduct, specifically our language"

"I'm pretty sure you'd have been forgiven"

"Wouldn't have cared if we weren't once we found you" Amanda ducked her head for a second time.

She felt a hand on hers for a brief moment as Olivia squeezed her clenched fist on the desk making her relax her hand.

"I'm glad you didn't. There'd be a lot of people worse off in this city if you'd lost your shield. But I'm also dam glad you found me"

"We didn't have a choice, we couldn't not, there was never a moment where we thought we wouldn't"  
"And that was part of what kept me fighting. I've never really spoken to you all about it because we see enough of it day to without having to think about one of our own going through it. But when I was…" Olivia shivered slightly and Amanda reciprocated the hand squeeze from earlier but this time she didn't remove her hand.

"You don't have to"  
"No it's okay. I've talked through it a few times now. I can put the words together. I just find it hard to relate them to me still. I'm working on it"

"Shrink speak if ever I heard it" Amanda smiled as she ran her thumb over the back of Olivia's knuckles and waited for her to continue.

"When I wasn't out of it on the drugs and drink, when I wasn't thinking about how I might escape I was thinking about how you guys would find me. I knew you would, I just didn't know if it'd be too late"

They were quiet for a few moments, as the enormity of what Olivia had just said sunk in.

When Amanda cleared her throat to speak it was slightly shaky;

"We didn't think like that. We couldn't. The only time it crossed my mind was when I tried to sleep for a half hour. And even then it was fleeting. We were gona find you Liv"

The quaver in her voice hadn't gone unnoticed and Olivia moved so she could stand and gave the blonde's shoulder a squeeze.

"And you did" She saw a tear fall from cloudy blue eyes as she left her hand on the other detectives shoulder for a moment.

Amanda tried to brush it off and gather herself. She knew Olivia had seen it but she glossed over it. The only time she cried about it was when she was alone in the dark with a glass of scotch.

"So what are you working on?" she asked nodding towards the pile of files on Olivia's desk.

"Rapist in the Bronx. Guy used a lot of burner phones but he seems to have one personal mobile and he may not have had it switched off when he attacked so we might be able to get GPS to locate him at the time of the attacks. I'm checking calls he made. Seems he liked to make heavy breathing calls to random women, just checking them off and trying to find a link between them".

"Want a hand" Amanda held her hand out for Olivia to pass her some files.

"No it's fine Rollins, I got it"

"Oh I know you got it, I just don't wanna go home"

Olivia quirked her head to the left, not needing to ask a question given the gesture but she did anyway "What's up?"  
"Nothin really, just feelin a bit claustrophobic"

Olivia nodded knowing exactly what the blonde was talking about. Handing her a few files she told her she could help on the condition that she leave if she got tired.

Amanda smiled that 'yeah right' smile she used to tell her colleagues thanks for the concern but she was fine.

Settling the files in front of her she booted her computer up and took a highlighter from her drawer.

**1 hour later**

Almost simultaneously loud frustrated sighs echoed in the bullpen. Simultaneous laughs followed as the blonde and brunette looked at each other.

"This guy sure liked his sex chat lines"

"Yeah sure did. Why can't they just go out to bars and get rejected by ten women like everyone else?"

"Dignity"

"Yeah cause jerking off to some anonymous voice is so dignified"

Amanda shuddered. That was a mental image she did not need!

"More coffee?"

Olivia looked at the clock and realised it was twenty past two in the morning.

"I think I'll call it a night"

"Okay. I'll walk out with you. You need a ride?" Amanda was trying not to sound overprotective but they were all still all on high alert.

Olivia stood and rubbed the back of her neck with her fingers.

"Ah no, you go on ahead I'm just gona shut things off and hit the lights"

Amanda sensed the hesitance in Olivia's voice but she didn't want to intrude.

"Ok, I'll see ya tomorrow"

"Night Amanda"  
"Night Liv"

As she left Amanda hesitated. Her instincts were normally correct and she trusted them. Hanging back she waited in the hallway, figuring she'd tell Olivia she got a phone call when she saw her leave. But after ten minutes Olivia hadn't left.

Amanda walked back towards the bullpen and looked through the glass towards Olivia's desk. There was a gym bag on the desk and Olivia was pulling sweat pants from it.

"Kinda late for the gym" Olivia jumped at the sound of Amanda's voice.

"Jesus Rollins you scared the life out of me"

Amanda regretted almost immediately sneaking up on the detective. She could see her breathing was rapid and she'd placed her hands on the desk to steady herself. She was at the taller woman's side in a moment. She was unsure what to do but she needed to reassure herself and Olivia that it was okay. She put her hand over one of the ones Olivia had resting on her desk.

"I'm sorry Liv"

Olivia shook her head "It's okay, I'm sorry Rollins. I'm just still a little jumpy"

"Understandable. What's with the gym clothes?"

"Umm, I just…" Olivia clearly didn't have an answer and Amanda wasn't leaving until she got one. As she waited for a response she saw a second bag sitting under an abandoned side table in the corner.

"Liv, you better not be sleeping here or I swear to God I'm gona kill Cassidy". The anger in her tone and the feeling in the pit of her stomach frightened her.

"It's not what it looks like Amanda"

"It is if your stuff is here and you're about to go sleep in the cribs for the night".

Olivia began to play with the string tie on the front of the sweatpants in her hands.

"I'm gona put him in a chokehold so tight he's going to be eating through a straw for months"

Olivia held her hand up "Rollins, whoa, whoa. Slow down. I moved out"

"But he let you"

"He didn't let me Amanda, I'm a big girl, I did it myself". There was a bite in her tone that shook the fog of anger from Amanda's mind.

"Sorry, Liv. I didn't mean… I just meant… what the hell?"

"That wasn't a sentence Rollins" Olivia moved her hand and Amanda felt like reaching straight back out to take it again.

"You moved out?"  
Olivia nodded. "It's not his fault"

Amanda couldn't talk about Cassidy at that moment, she was too angry.

"How long have you been sleeping here?"  
"Just a couple of nights"

"A couple?"  
"Four"

"That is not a couple"

"I'm fine Rollins. I don't need babysitting."

"Never said you did. And I'm no babysitter. Trust me. Babysitting my sister turned me off it for life. But I ain't leaving you here for the night"

"Amanda…"

Amanda cut across Olivia before she could argue back "Not happenin' Liv. Gather up your stuff. You're staying with me"

"I'll go to a hotel"

"Nu-uh. Come on"

Olivia put the sweatpants back in the bag and tried to decide what to do. Her back was sore from sleeping in the cribs and she was sick of having to shower with cold water every morning.

"It'll just be for a night or two"

Amanda smiled as Olivia's shoulders visibly relaxed. She reached a hand out to pick up the bag off the desk. "You can carry the other one yourself, I'm not that helpful". The blonde gave her a wink and Olivia laughed as she reached for the other bag.

Walking towards the elevator Amanda turned back to look back at the trailing Detective. "I'm still gona kill him".

"Rollins" There was an edge to her voice that warned Amanda off going there again. But she wasn't leaving it at that. She'd get it out of her.

"Okay, okay! Trucks parked round back. You eaten?"

"It's half 2 in the morning"

"Hey, when I'm hungry, I'm hungry!"

Olivia's tummy grumbled as if it was telling tales on her.

"You sound hungry to me Benson"

"I ate an apple at..." Olivia tried to add up the hours in her head

"When you have to think about it for that long you're hungry"

"Yeah you're right. I'll ring and order Chinese from a take-out place a few blocks over if you can stop on the way?"

"Course"

Both women made their way to the car park in companionable silence putting Olivia's bags in the back of the truck when they reached it.

Closing the doors on the cool air of the night Amanda instructed her new roommate to "lead the way" and they left the prescient, both feeling glad for the first time in quite a while that they were leaving work.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The argument over the bed versus sofa was sorted quickly when Amanda threatened to go back and sleep in the prescient if Olivia didn't take the bed. She reassured her that she'd spent more than her fair share of nights sleeping on her sofa anyway and was actually more comfortable than the bed.

Olivia put her bags in Amanda's bedroom and was enticed back into the kitchen by the smell of the food Amanda was putting on plates.

"Mmm. There was no need for plates. I eat out of the cartons more often than not"

"Yeah I was trying to appear civilised but now you've seen the state of my bedroom it's kinda a pointless endeavour"

"Trust me once you've lived with Cassidy you don't notice mess"

Amanda remained quiet. She didn't want to push the Cassidy issue again so soon but the matter was far from closed.

Handing Olivia her plate piled high with noodles and shredded chicken they made their way to the small dining table.

They ate in relative silence glancing at the rain outside every once in a while.

"You on call tonight?"  
"For my sins. Got some leave coming up though. Was thinking about sleeping for a week"  
"You don't look that rough, few days should do it" Olivia gave her a sly wink.

"Detective Benson your sense of humour needs some work"

"Sorry, 14 years in a testosterone filled environment does that to you"

"True"

After they'd finished they made an attempt at washing the plates but tiredness was against them.

Olivia gave a small yawn as they stood at the sink but tried to cover it with her hand. It didn't escape Amanda's notice though.

"Come on sleeping beauty, bed time"

Olivia nodded "You want first dibs on the bathroom?"  
"Naw you go"

"I'll call when I'm done"

"Thanks" Amanda was suddenly feeling the tiredness of the day hit her. She was glad her guest was ready to sleep.

Sitting down on the sofa she bent over to remove her boots putting a hand to her hip and massaging it as it protested at the strain in the movement. Maybe all those night sleeping on the sofa had done some damage after all. She threw her blazer on the table and removed her socks and shirt leaving her in a baby blue vest top and black jeans.

She lay down putting her head under her hand and closed her eyes listening out for Olivia.

When Olivia emerged five minutes later and didn't get a response from the living room when she called Amanda's name she walked in and saw the blonde passed out on the sofa.

She took the throw off the back of the sofa and wrapped it around the small woman, tucking it in to make sure she was warm. The urge to place a kiss on soft skin was overwhelming. She leaned in and placed her lips against Amanda's temple. The little moan that escaped the blonde's lips caused Olivia to jump but Amanda's eyes stayed closed.

Heart still beating fast, Olivia backed away, almost falling over the coffee table as she made her way to the bedroom.

She climbed under the comforter and rested her head on a soft pillow that smelled faintly of Amanda. Putting her index finger to her lips she shook her head slowly. The little voice in her head was telling her not to go there. She'd spent 12 years lusting after a partner she couldn't have. And then when she finally did get into a meaningful relationship it all went wrong. Now was not the time to be fantasising about a co-worker; never mind a co-worker who was asleep in the next room. But Olivia couldn't help it. As she tried to settle down to sleep her mind was filled with images of moving that kiss from her temple down along pale soft skin, to the blonde's neck, onto her collarbone. She drifted off imagining what it would be like to fall asleep wrapped in Amanda's arms.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Amanda instinctively reached for her gun when she heard the screaming. Reaching in onto the shelf under the coffee table she gripped it in her hand, stood up and moved towards the back of the apartment. She was at the door of the bedroom in seconds. Even though they were four floors up, her front door was still in tact and they weren't near a fire escape Amanda knew from the job that nothing was impossible. However when she opened the door and scoped the room gun held forward she saw nothing but the faint glow from the street light outside reflecting on the woman sitting bolt upright in her bed.

She dropped the gun to her side and approached the bed unsure of what to do. She wasn't sure if Olivia was awake or dreaming. When she saw her turn to look in her direction and her eyes followed her as she sat down on the bed beside her she knew she was awake.

Placing the gun on the beside locker she switched on the lamp with one hand and used her other hand to rest on Olivia's which were clasped together in front of her shaking.

"Nightmare?"

Olivia managed a small nod as tears fell.

"I woke… I woke up and… I woke…"

Amanda needed to comfort her, had to comfort her. Standing slightly she moved forward on the bed so she was sitting at Olivia's hip. Pulling her into an embrace she smoothed her hand over her hair and whispered quiet words into her ear.

"It's okay Liv, it's okay"  
When Olivia pulled away she was slightly more composed but her hands were still shaking.

"I didn't know where I was when I woke up. Sorry I just got scared"

"There's nothing to be sorry for Liv. It happens"

"Not normally with all the screaming though". Olivia bowed her head ashamed that she'd been caught and ashamed that she was so afraid.  
Amanda pulled her back against her for another moment as she whispered softly again

"It's completely normal when you've been through all you've been through honey, completely normal"

She pulled away and looked Olivia in the eye "In fact I'm amazed you're not sleeping with your gun in your hand and a light on; or sleeping at all really"

Amanda wasn't sure what to do. She wanted to leave Olivia to get back to sleep because she knew she was embarrassed from the colouring of her cheeks. But she also didn't want her to be alone. Her mind made up she decided asking wasn't an option, she knew Olivia better.

"Shove over. That living room is freezing and I had no pyjama's to sleep in. Hope you don't mind the company" It wasn't really a question.

Olivia was moving over in the bed as Amanda spoke, relief overtaking the apprehension as her heart rate began to slow down. She hadn't had many nightmares but when she had she hadn't wanted Brian to see her. She'd insisted on going to sleep on the sofa or she had gotten up and went to the gym or work for a few hours. Right now she couldn't imagine not wanting company.

Amanda pulled the comforter over both of them as she lay down making sure they each had enough.

She reached out and switched off the lamp then turned on her side so she was facing Olivia. The tears had dried up but as Amanda reached out her hand to take one of Olivia's she noticed she was still shaking slightly.

Moving closer the blonde put her hand on Olivia's hip and felt the other woman do the same. Olivia moved closer so that their bodies were almost touching. Amanda slipped her other arm under the brunette locks resting on the pillow and Olivia moved slightly so Amanda could rest the arm around her on her shoulder.

She was as close to holding her as could be without being intimate. Amanda wanted to gather her into her arms and not let go. Olivia wanted the same. Right now the closeness and tenderness of this was enough to lull Olivia into a feeling of security. She closed her eyes first and Amanda watched until she was sure she was sound asleep before closing her eyes. Her arm would be dead in the morning but she didn't care once Olivia was safe. She realised she didn't care about much else except Olivia's safety right now. Sleepiness tempered her minds tendency to start worrying about this and she slept quite peacefully putting it down to knowing the detective they'd lost days sleep searching for not long back was safe in her arms. The fact that she felt so good there was something that they could deal with tomorrow.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank You for all your sweet words. I was a bit worried about this one cause of how much loving Liv and seeing her hurt contrast so starkly against one another. But I guess once Rollins is around to save her it's all good!**

**Chapter 2**

Olivia woke up and a hand rubbing her back gently tempered the initial fear that had gripped her last night when she was unsure of her surroundings.

"Mornin'"

Clear blue eyes were staring at her and Olivia felt a shiver run down her spine as she realised the same eyes were almost looking inside her, or so it felt. The blonde reached for the comforter that had moved during the night and pulled it up further on them. She misinterpreted the shiver as a chill.

"You cold?"

"No, just still half asleep."

She smiled as she felt the soft hand on her hip begin to rub slow circles.

"Must be why I slept so well. I haven't had anyone do that for me in years"

"Huh"

"Your hand"

"Oh sh… sorry is it bothering you?" Amanda was removing her hand but Olivia stopped her with a firm "No"

"Uh, okay. Sorry it's just force of habit. I used to do it with Kim to calm her down. It helped you fall asleep last night when I was doing it. I was hoping it'd keep you asleep for a while longer if I kept doing it when I woke up" Amanda was waffling; she knew she was but she couldn't for the life of her stop.

Olivia closed her eyes again and concentrated on the warm hand on her hip.

"It's ok Amanda. I just haven't had someone do this for me since I was in my twenties. Guys aren't really renowned for their natural ability to comfort with a touch"

"So who was the one who managed to do it in your twenties?

"Nina"

Amanda wasn't sure she'd heard her right. No in fact she was sure, she just wasn't sure she wanted to believe it. Her initial response was so dumb she felt the need to slap herself in the head for saying it – "A woman?"

Olivia opened her eyes to look into those blue ones again. They were captivating. She got so lost in them she almost forgot to respond to Amanda's question.

"Yeah, we were young, in the Academy together. She was out, I was… still fighting with my identity I guess". She felt the hand on her hip still and she was worried she'd scared the younger woman.

"Rollins, there's an awful lot about me you don't know, about what makes me the person I am. Trust me it's stuff you don't want to know"

Amanda hesitated for a moment then said what she'd been thinking about for quite some time; "What if I do?"

Olivia was unsure where this was going. And she was also scared. Of what she wasn't sure. She just knew she had to get out of the bed she was in and away from those blue eyes looking into her soul before she did something she regretted.

"Trust me you don't" Olivia said as she made a move to get up.

"I'm gona take a shower. Usually only takes me 5 minutes so there'll be plenty of hot water left"

Amanda response of "K" left questions unanswered and feelings slightly hurt.

But Amanda was learning fast what topics were off limits. And she was also being allowed closer to Detective Olivia Benson than anyone had been in a very long time.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x 

The squad room was bustling and Fin was arguing with a new ADA about coercing a statement out of their latest suspect.

Amanda sat at her desk and stared into space not looking at or listening to anything in particular until she saw Fin punch the a hole in a wooden partition when the ADA left.

As he reached his desk she walked around and sat on the edge of it.

"Hey, what happened?"

"Dam stupid ass kid is afraid to so much as put a toe out of line when it comes to questioning these idiots. Barba better get back from his overseas mission to save the poor soon"

"Show me your hand"

"Its fine Manda, don't worry about it"  
"Show me your hand" – her voice left no room for negotiation this time.

He lifted his hand and she checked for splinters. Nothing she could see but she shone the flashlight app on her phone on it just to be sure.

"You know Cragen is gona make you start paying a stipend for furniture if you start busting this place up"

"I know. I just can't deal with this bureaucratic crap"

"I know big man, I know. I'm gona get some coffee. Want one?"  
"You've only been here half an hour"  
"Long night"  
"Oh yeah?"

"Not the way you think detective"

Fin's face became serious "You okay Amanda"  
"I'm fine"  
"You sure?" Fin was worried Amanda was teetering on the brink again. They'd all been having a tough time since the incident with Liv.

"I'm good, honest"

"Okay, but you call me if you need… anything"

Amanda smiled as she made for the door "I will"

The cold Autumn air hit her as she exited the precinct. Their usual coffee joint was only one street over. But she didn't want coffee. She needed air. She wasn't sure where she was going she just knew that she had to get out. Olivia had left before her but when she got to work she wasn't there. Amaro said she was gone to follow up with a witness who rang during the night shift to say he thought he'd remembered something else about the attempted sexual assault he witnessed two nights earlier.

Amanda was relieved Olivia wasn't there. They'd left for work together. They'd hardly spoken in the apartment apart from an arrangement to get a key cut for Olivia in case they arrived home separately.

She sat on the nearest bench and her mind floated back to earlier that morning.

Olivia left bed and cold filled the room, not only literally but metaphorically. She listened to the shower running and tried to figure out how they had gone from lying in bed chatting and touching to not talking.

No matter what way she looked at it she couldn't get a handle on it. She knew Olivia had gone through some severe trauma recently but she hadn't mentioned it – whether intentional or not she couldn't remember. Probably the former because the last thing she wanted to do was upset her. But it wasn't that that caused Olivia's sudden exit. Rather it was the mention of her life in general, her past and what it meant. Amanda realised she crossed the line – again – when she saw brown eyes totally shut her out. The sparkle of earlier was gone, replaced by a look devoid of any feeling. Amanda thought it looked like fear but she wasn't sure.

She felt the first few drops of rain and stood to make her way back. There was no way she was adding the annoyance of being soaked all day to this mess.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x

"Hey where's the coffee?"

"What?"  
"Blonde moment?"

Amanda gave Fin a scathing look and continued walking past him and into the open interview room.

She closed the door and sat down, putting her head in her hands, raking her fingers through her long blonde hair. She wasn't alone for long.

Fin knocked and approached with caution.

"Manda?"

"Sorry, I just…"  
"You okay?"

"Yeah, I just need a minute"

"Yeah, I figured. I just wanted to make sure you were alright"  
"I'm good"  
"Do you want a coffee?"

Amanda nodded, really just to get rid of Fin. She appreciated his concern but she needed to be alone.

He returned a few moments later with the coffee but instead of leaving he took the chair beside her.

"Okay kid, spill"

Amanda trusted Fin and she decided saying it out loud might help her figure it out.

"Liv is staying with me"

"What?"

"She was sleeping here"

"I'm gona kill that son of a bitch"

Amanda smiled at the familiar reaction.

"Yeah I wanted to do but she said no"

"I don't care what she says. I'm gona hang him from the roof by his ankles"

"Fin, slow down. She left him" she told me herself she's a 'big girl'".

Fin's eyes were full of rage as Amanda reached out and touched his arm

"I got this"

"You sure?"

She wasn't up until that moment. But she realised that no matter how she was feeling right now and no matter how much she had seen on the job she had no idea what Olivia was going through. She had no right to be angry or upset. Now was the time for her to step up. Olivia needed someone and she was going to be that someone no matter what that entailed.

"Yeah I'm sure big man".

"I'm going to start getting a complex Rollins – my weight is all medical"

She smiled as she stood and gave her a clap on the back.

"Thanks Fin"

"Any time"

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Olivia opened the door and the smell of chilli hit her immediately. She had purposely left it late to come in thinking the other woman would be gone to bed and she would sleep on the sofa.

What she didn't realise was Amanda had eyes on her. Fin agreed to text her when Olivia was leaving.

Once she got the text she turned the gas on and poured some wine, took up a seat on the couch, crossed her legs and opened her laptop.

Googling DNA sampling techniques she pretended to be engrossed in something when Olivia walked in.

"Hey"

"Hey" Olivia stood at the counter unsure where to put herself.

She felt she owed the blonde an apology before she sat down. She had purposely avoided her all day.

Now she couldn't but words were failing her.

"You hungry?" Amanda asked to fill the silence "I had left over chicken so there's enough for four"

"You didn't have to wait for me to eat"

"I didn't" she lied. "I got caught up in something Warner told me about online and only realised the time ten minutes ago"

Olivia still couldn't speak properly. She was overwhelmed by the kindness Amanda was showing her, kindness she didn't think she deserved.

So Amanda continued to fill the silence.

"It'll be on the table in ten minutes if you want to change?"  
Olivia just nodded and made her way to the bedroom. When she got there she realised that Amanda had unpacked her clothes and hung them in the wardrobe. She smiled at the simple gesture. Reaching into the wardrobe she pulled out a pair of navy NYPD sweats and a loose white t-shirt.

When she came out Amanda was sitting cross legged on the floor beside the low coffee table. Two plates of chilli chicken were sitting in front of her along with two glasses of red wine.

"Tuck in"  
Olivia sat down on the floor beside her and folded her legs, resting her back against the sofa reaching for her fork. Taking a forkful of chicken and some rice she looked at the blonde at the same time she turned to look at her.

Blue eyes full of warmth looked back at her and she relaxed.

"Look Amanda…"

"It's okay Liv.

"I just…"

"Yeah I know I pried too much, sorry detective in me"

"But you didn't…"

"I did, I always do"

"Rollins you're going to have to let me finish a…"

"sentence" Amanda finished for her.

Olivia laughed for the first time all day.

"Liv you don't have anything to apologise for. Instead of saying something simple like 'if you need to talk I'm here' I keep digging until I hit bottom and the other person wants to strangle me"

"I don't want to strangle you Amanda. I've just been going through it all in therapy. It's wrecked me mentally and physically and as much as it helps it also hurts and I don't want to inflict that on you"

Blue eyes were still holding the gaze of brown ones as Amanda reached out and pushed a strand of hair that was prone to falling down with Liv's new haircut behind her ear.

"You only have to talk if you want to. Just know I'm here. And you won't be inflicting it on me"

Olivia's body responded for her as she leaned into the hand still resting against the side of her head.

She whispered a soft "Thank You" and they returned to their food.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x

Standing up and stretching Olivia realised sitting on the floor probably wasn't the best idea after such a long day. The muscles in her shoulders screamed in protest as she returned them to there usual position.

She wasn't sure how to ask the next question so she just didn't stop to think.

"I haven't slept as well as I did last night since he took me"

Amanda knew what Olivia was asking and she was on her feet in seconds.

"Gona throw these plates in the sink to steep. If I'm not there in 5 minutes assume I've fallen asleep standing up. I wrote that many DD5's today I've a feeling I'll be dreaming about them"

Olivia made her way to the bedroom and Amanda made it to the sink, dropping the plates in and putting her hands on the countertop at the edge to take a deep breath.

She gave herself a small pep talk before she moved towards the bedroom.

"She needs company Rollins; a friendly ear. What she doesn't need is puppy dog eyes. Now cop yourself on and go get ready for bed!"

It seemed to do the trick.

Grabbing a pair of clean cotton pyjama bottoms off the radiator and ridding herself of her bra and sweater leaving her in a baby pink spaghetti top, Amanda made her way to the bedroom.

The room was dark but Amanda knew her way around. She couldn't tell if Olivia was awake or asleep until she got into the bed.

"I'm sorry, I should go sleep on the sofa". Olivia made to get up but Amanda placed a hand on her arm gently rubbing it rather than grabbing her as she'd seen many victims freak out before at attempts to restrain them.

"Liv, stay"  
It was a simple request but it pulled at something deep in Olivia's heart. She lay back down and as a few tears started to fall and a small sob escaped she felt the blonde move closer. Moving over so that she was lying against her, Amanda placed a gentle kiss on Olivia's forehead and ran her hand up and down the taller woman's back.

"It's okay hon, I'm here"

Olivia no longer felt the need to apologise. She knew what Amanda said was true. She was there. And it felt so right.

"I don't know what's wrong?"  
"There's nothing wrong Liv. This is all part of healing. You know what we tell every person we meet day in day out. Amanda reached out and flicked the switch on a remote, which brought her iPod to life on the locker opposite. A song by the Heather's called "It's Alright not to Feel okay" began to play.

"Just listen"

_It's alright not to feel okay,_

_It's alright not to feel okay,_

_And I promise I'm here when you need me…_

Amanda began to rub gentle circles against Olivia's hip like she had the night before. She felt the body lying beside her relax.

As the song ended she switched the iPod off.

"It's a beautiful song"

"Music helped me out of a lot of holes in my life"

"Are things… I mean"

"It's all good Liv, I haven't put a bet on in over 10 months"  
"I'm glad"  
"So is my bank manager"  
Olivia gave a small chuckle.

As she pulled back to look at the blonde, to reassure her that she had stopped crying, the overwhelming feeling from the night before returned in a rush. Her stomach somersaulted as she leaned in. She knew what she was doing, she knew she shouldn't. But reason had exited her mind. Reaching up to cup the blonde's cheek she placed a gentle kiss on soft pink lips. The hand on her hip moved down onto her lower back as Amanda deepened the kiss, feeling the smallest flick of Olivia's tongue against her lips. Opening her mouth she allowed it entrance, moving her hand to the back of Olivia's neck as she heard the brunette keen slightly into her mouth.

Pulling back to take a breath she saw the doubt etched all over Olivia's face.

"Liv, I am so sorry"  
Olivia reached up and stroked blonde hair "Ssshhh, there's no need for sorry Amanda. I wanted it, I started it. I'm just…" her voice became quieter as she thought of how no one had touched her or kissed her since him.

"I'll leave"

Olivia's voice held a hint of desperation as she said "No Amanda please stay"

Amanda looked the woman she'd just kissed so passionately and realised how small and vulnerable she seemed.

Amanda moved back into take the taller woman in her arms. Wrapping her into the hug she'd wanted to give her so badly the night before she felt the detective relax in her arms.

"I'm here"

Olivia took a while longer to fall asleep but before she did she placed a gentle kiss on Amanda's cheek. "I'm not sorry we did that, I just need time"  
"You can have all the time in the world Liv" She placed a soft kiss on the top of her head as the brunette curled further into her falling asleep moments later. Amanda kept up the circular motion on Olivia's hip until she too fell asleep.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks for all your kind words and patience. Sorry I've been Christmas shopping for 50 people (not an exaggeration) and doing a college assignment so it took me a while. I'll keep with this one cause I've a feeling it has a lot to give. Hope you enjoy!**

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x

When she woke her whole body was relaxed. Gone was the tension in her shoulders and the pain in her lower back. She couldn't believe that she'd slept all night.

Slowly opening her eyes she felt eyes watching her. A smile crept across her face mirrored in the face lying a few inches away.

"Hey"  
"Hi"  
"You good?"  
"Mmm"  
Amanda leaned forward closing the small gap and placed a soft kiss on the warm skin of Olivia's temple.

"Did you sleep?"

"Yeah"

Olivia burrowed closer into the other woman. She placed a small kiss on the contour of Amanda's jaw as she asked, "Is it time to get up?"

"For me it is. For you it's in the hands of the Gods. Or more precisely the douchebags of New York"

Olivia was used to her days off been interrupted by a case.

Amanda made to get up out of the bed but Olivia stopped her with a hand on her elbow. Pulling her back down she moved so she was half covering the blonde's body. Kissing her gently she felt Amanda's hands go straight into her hair. She knew the younger woman needed more. Opening her mouth so she could gently tease Amanda's lips with her tongue, she was rewarded when the smaller woman opened up to let her in. Tongues danced as the kiss became deeper.

Amanda pulled away after a few moment. "Liv, I have to get up. If I'm late the Cap is gona kick my ass"

Olivia's eyes clouded over for a moment and Amanda saw tears threatening.

"Baby what is it?" It took Olivia a moment to gather herself. She didn't want to cry again, she didn't want to upset Amanda. She took a deep breath and spoke;

"What if this is all I have to give you?"  
Amanda didn't hesitate for one second. Raising herself up on her elbows she looked straight into the unsure brown eyes staring back at her.

"If this is all you have to give me, I will die a happy woman"

Olivia laughed as the Amanda leaned in to blow raspberries on her collarbone.

Leaning back again she looked at the brunette.

"We both know the shrink speak Liv, and you know I'm not a big fan. But there is one thing they're right about. You don't forget but it gets a little bit easier every day. After that deputy… Amanda looked straight ahead and away from Olivia for a second. She knew what had happened to her was nothing compared to what Olivia had been through. But she understood the fear a bit.

"After what that bastard tried that night, I checked for months that the doors were bolted at least three times. I slept with a light on for weeks"

She turned back to look at the woman now curled into her side. "I know it doesn't compare, but I just want you to know I'm here. I always have been, I've just kinda been keeping this bit back cause you know crushing on only other woman in the squad room is suicidal in terms of jokes for the boys"

Olivia laughed again and Amanda decided it was the greatest sound she'd heard in a long time.

Reaching out to cup the soft olive skin of Olivia's face she kissed her again, gently and slowly, a kiss full of reassurance.

"I'm here hon, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. Well I am right now, but I'll be back"

Olivia gave her a quick peck on the lips as she hopped out of bed. It was the first time in her life she was tempted to call in sick, but she knew Olivia was well rested and she also knew there was a pile of paperwork waiting for her.

Jumping into the shower she only had a few minutes but they were spent replaying the kisses and touches of the last 12 hours.

Grabbing coffee in the kitchen she shouted to Olivia that she'd see her later. She got no response, which she figured was a good thing. It was as Olivia lay fast asleep again, the difference this time being the smile on her face.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Amanda was reviewing a file for a case that was up in court next week. She'd been called to give evidence. The guy had been convicted of domestic violence on three previous occasions. This time he had escalated to sexual assault and his wife had had enough. However she was jittery because she was scared of losing everything. Amanda and Fin had talked her down more the once. Amanda was attached to this one as it reminded her of her childhood in Georgia. Her Daddy was "not a nice man" as she put it politely. She didn't really talk about it. Only Fin knew the story. Gordon Philip's reminded her of her father. Cold and uncaring, he was sly and controlled his wife and young son.

A hand squeezing her shoulder gently and interrupted her train of thought about the family.

"Hey"

"You get called in?" Amanda asked, secretly happy to see her. The hand on her shoulder lingered and the heat travelling down her back caused the butterflies in her tummy to go crazy.

"Yeah Bronx rapist appears to have struck again. Last night. Same MO. Stolen underwear, wrists bound with phone chord, mouth covered with duct tape. That was the one detail that always caused Olivia to stop for a millisecond – it wasn't him, he was locked up. Her rational mind knew duct tape was commonly used in sexual assault. She just didn't have personal experience of the layers of skin it pulled from your lips each time it was ripped off until recently.

"Where's the vic"

"Lincoln right now. He did quite a number on her poor kid"

Amanda balled her fists and shook her head.

"Bastard"

Turning to look at Olivia she was strong in her assertion "You'll get him"

Olivia nodded, not sure but knowing she'd do everything she could to make it true.

"Lunch?"

"It's 11 a.m. Rollins"

Amanda laughed, "I meant later. When you get twenty seconds to spare"

"Sounds good" Olivia smiled as Amanda returned to her file. She spent a good ten minutes watching the blonde smiling at the way Amanda twirled her hair around her fingers as she tried to concentrate.

Cragen's voice shook her out of her revere when he asked where they were with the case.

She nodded towards Nick who had just walked in.

"On our way to interview the vic now"

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x-x-x-x

In the car with Nick to Lincoln Olivia chatted for the first time in ages about non-work related stuff. They spoke about Zara's school play and Munch's' foray into screenplay writing since he had more time on his hands. Nick was happy to see Olivia relaxed and chatting. He sensed something had changed but he wasn't going to pry. Whatever it was he just hoped it continued. Knocking on the curtain of their latest victim Olivia checked there was no one with the girl before they went in. Curled on her side in the bed, Olivia's training kicked in – eye contact was key. Pulling up a stool she sat down and explained who she was to Kate Murray. Nick stood back allowing Olivia to work. He was still in awe of the senior detective. Sometimes he realised he still had a lot to learn from her.

"Kate are you okay to talk?" Olivia asked quietly

The small blonde woman nodded imperceptibly.

"Okay. I'm going to ask you a few questions about what you remember about last night okay?"

Kate shook her head with a small "no" when Olivia said this.

Nick noted that Olivia never once forced a victim to speak. She managed to get them to do it, even unwittingly but she never forced them.

Nick and Olivia both knew that the "no" was a basic human instinct to protect oneself. They also knew that not talking was as dangerous as anything else.

Nick had seen past the wall Olivia had carefully built since the attack for the first time in a long time today.

"Kate when the officers found you you were in a bad way"

A tear ran down pale skin and landed on the sheet below the small woman still wrapped in a ball on the bed.

"Can you tell us what happened last night hon?"  
Nick did a double take. He'd never heard Olivia use that word, only Amanda. He stored it for later.

Kate spoke so softly Nick almost couldn't hear her.

"I was just… I just… he was waiting. I was just going home"

Olivia reached out and took the other woman's hand.

"It's okay you're safe now. Where were you coming from Kate?"  
"I was at the bodega on the corner getting some cigarettes. He came out of the ally behind me" She began to cry in frustration as words became harder.

"It's beside that… the bar with the doormen… I can't remember the name?"

"Lion's Den?" Amaro asked

Kate nodded her head.

"Okay. Good Kate" Olivia was still holding her hand.

"What time was this?"

"I left mine around 11 so it could only have been quarter past at the latest"  
"Okay that's really good Kate. Do you remember anything about him at all?"

Again the fright response kicked in but Olivia's hand gave Kate something to focus on.

"Was he white, black…?"  
Kate interrupted her, "He was white"

"Okay good. You're doing really well. Did he have an accent? Did he say anything to you?"

Kate took a deep breath.

"He said something like 'This is what the bitch gets for leaving me'. It didn't make any sense," Kate said between sobs.

Olivia nodded as she squeezed her hand tighter. "I know it doesn't. It never does. Is there anyone we can call for you Kate?

Kate shook her head. "My girlfriend is on her way. She doesn't know yet. Fuck, how am I gonna tell her?"

"Detective Amaro and I can speak to her if you like?"

"No, I need to do it"  
"Okay" Olivia placed her card on the locker beside Kate's bed.

"If you need anything Kate, or if you think of anything just ring okay?"  
Kate nodded as the curtain was pulled back and a tall thin black haired woman walked in.

"Kate, baby?" The woman moved immediately to Kate's side and leaned in to place a kiss on her head.

"Kate, we're going to leave now, but just ring"

Kate nodded again and Olivia and Nick made their exit. As Nick pulled the curtain closed he heard Kate's soft sobs being muffled by the embrace of the woman who sat onto the bed beside her.

Olivia shook her head as she walked ahead of him

"I'm gona kill this bastard"

They stopped off at the nurse's station on the way out to speak to the doctor on call last night that had just come back on shift. They gathered as much information as they could from her and left.

Nick sensed the shift in mood when they got back to the car. They drove in silence. He didn't mind. He just hoped whatever had managed to help Olivia earlier could help her again.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- x

Walking back into the squad room Amanda caught Olivia's eye. She looked lost. Amanda stood and walked past the taller woman saying quietly so only she could hear "Follow me in a few minutes"  
Olivia threw her coat on the back of her chair and flicked through a file sitting on her desk to pass thirty seconds and then walked to the cribs.

Amanda was sitting on the edge of one of the cots when she walked in. Sitting down beside her she rested her head on her shoulder.

"How was she?"  
"Numb, scared, upset"

Amanda put her arm around Olivia's shoulder and kissed the top of her head.

"How are you?"

"Better now"

Amanda turned so she could lay Olivia down on the inside of the cot. She laid along side her.

"We've roughly five minutes before Fin comes looking for us. Just rest."

The warmth of Amanda's body against her helped Olivia to relax. The smell of Amanda's shampoo was a mix of jasmine and something sweeter. It was soothing. Olivia wanted to stay there all day. She'd fought sleep, fought emotions, fought everything since Lewis took her. Now she just wanted to stop, just let go.

The fingers stroking her hair and back felt so good it caused a low moan to escape.

"Hon I wouldn't do that again. Fin is worse than any woman when it comes to gossiping. He'll have the whole department watching us"

Olivia laughed "Mmm, if you keep doing that I'm afraid I won't have a choice, my body just responds in it's own way"

A few minutes later Amanda knew it was time to move

"Liv we have to get up"

"Ugh… how long is this day going to last"

"You don't want me to answer that"

"You're right I don't. I need you to do something for me"

Amanda pulled back to look into the brown eyes she was learning to read"

"Name it"

"Kiss Me"

Amanda smiled and leaned, tilting her head slightly to the right so she could capture Olivia's lips properly. Touching her lips tentatively to the ones of the woman lying partially on her Amanda smiled again as another moan escaped.

The kiss was soft, anything else would have had them both unable to concentrate for the rest of the day.

Neither noticed the door open as Amaro walked in.

"Uh… Em Ladies…"

Amanda sat bolt upright but Olivia stayed lying down, her head hidden behind Amanda's back.

"Nick. What's up?" Amanda asked, the urgency in her voice totally unnecessary and therefore comical.

"Em… Liv, when you have a minute we have a hit on the GPS from that cell"

He heard a muffled "sure" behind Amanda's back.

Turning on his heel to close the door Nick chuckled. At least now he knew why Olivia was in a better mood.

Back in the room Olivia groaned.

"Crap"

Amanda lay back down on the cot beside her

"Sorry hon"

"It's not your fault. Hell we were just making out like teenagers, anyone could have walked in"

"Thank God it wasn't the Cap"

"I think we'd both be resigning"

"Meanwhile I reckon we're safe for another few minutes"

"What you want Fin to catch us too?"

"Good point" Amanda leaned in for another quick kiss.

"We better go do some work"

"Just one more minute" Amanda giggled as Olivia kissed her neck playfully.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x


	4. Chapter 4

As it turned out no one was leaving the precient early that day or indeed until later in the night.

Fin and Rollins got a call at 5 to say that Gordon Philip's had been charged and remanded but on his way to Reikers the van had been hijacked and he'd escaped into dense undergrowth in the middle of nowhere. Cragen's instructions to go find him were met with a lot of silent eye rolling and a quiet "be careful", uttered by Olivia as the blonde walked by her desk in a wind breaker and wellies.

"I will" Amanda held her gaze before Fin slapped her on the back.

"Let's go little lady"

Olivia watched them leave and waited for her nerves to calm before she returned to the paper work on her desk. Kate had been discharged and she wanted to do a follow up with her but Nick had scheduled some time off to take Gil to a basketball match. So she cleared it with the Captain to go it alone and headed for the parking lot. She needed to take her mind off Amanda out in the woods looking for a dangerous criminal and work was the only way to do it.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Walking from Kate's apartment to the car parked a few blocks away Olivia was grateful for the wind as it masked some of her tears, making it look like her eyes were just reacting to the cold breeze.

She wasn't crying for herself. She was crying because of the fear she saw in Kate's eyes. Crying because she knew what came next. The pain, the nightmares, the counselling. It was a long road, a road Olivia herself was still on. But she knew with Tori at her side Kate would get there. Olivia thought about Brian, about how he'd tried so hard to be there. About how she'd just pushed and pushed so that it wasn't bearable for either of them anymore. And then she thought about Amanda. About how right it felt to fall asleep with her, to wake up with her, to kiss her. Olivia smiled slightly through the tears. She couldn't explain it to herself but few things in her life had felt as right as this. And she was trying so hard not to mess it up or overthink it. She'd even spoke in therapy about Amanda and how she felt about what was happening. Like everything else it didn't bring answers but it did help to talk about things out loud.

She was so caught up in her thoughts she didn't realise she'd reached the car until she'd walked past it.

Stopping on the way back she picked up donuts and coffee. She figured Fin and Rollins would need the sugar when they returned.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The paper work was still there when Olivia got back – right where she'd left it. But she wasn't in the mood to look at it. She decided it was time to go back over the witness statements from the Bronx rapist and see if anything new came to light. Spreading pictures and statements out over the table and sticking key evidence up in timeline form on the board she sat and stared hoping something would come to her.

When she heard voices coming into the squad room she looked up to see Fin and Amanda covered in muck, soaked to the skin arguing about who got to shower first. Amanda won by whispering something to Fin that Olivia couldn't hear but which made the older man go grey and gesture for her to go ahead.

Olivia smiled. She'd learned the one thing Amanda hated was cold showers. So she would have said anything to her partner to get into the shower first.

About twenty minutes later when Olivia had succeeded in doing absolutely nothing she smelled a waft of jasmine in the air – Amanda's conditioner. The blonde detective walked to her desk and slouched down, making the effort to smile at Olivia when she saw her concerned look. But her body language gave it all away.

"No luck?"  
Amanda shook her head running her fingers through damp hair and pulling it into a loose ponytail.

"Naw. I'm not gona sleep tonight knowing that creep is out there" She sighed as she sifted through the post-it notes that had been left while she was out with messages for her.

Cragen came out of his office looking for an update. Looking at the faces of his exhausted team he ordered Amanda and Fin to go home for 12 hours and stay there.

Neither put up any resistance. Amanda still didn't feel clean and Fin needed a hot shower given his partner had used all the hot water.

Walking past Olivia's desk she gave her hand a small squeeze and said quietly "See you later"

Olivia nodded. She was going to try and get the mountain of paperwork halved as quickly as possible. Amanda looked like she needed someone and Olivia wanted to be that person.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Olivia called out as she came in to let the other woman know it was her.

The slumbering form on the couch caught her eye as it sat up and the tangle of blonde hair fell around Amanda's face covering half of it. Attempts to fix it were futile so she just shook her head and hoped for the best.

"Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you"

"'skay, I wasn't asleep, just resting my eyes"

"I brought takeout"

"I owe you my first born child"

Olivia laughed as she grabbed two plates and put them on the table. "No need for anything that extreme, just coffee tomorrow will do"

She placed the plastic cartons on the table and Amanda took bits of everything from noodles to chicken skewers and put them on her plate.

The next fifteen minutes was spent satisfying the hunger she forgot to sort before her aching muscles ordered her to rest when she got home a few hours earlier.

The energy that had deserted her when she got home returned when she had some food in her stomach.

"So you know how much my day sucked. How was yours?"

"Well I was having a wonderful dream where I was in the cribs and I was in the arms of a beautiful blonde but then it turned into a nightmare when my partner walked in"

Amanda laughed, "My God was that today? It feels like days ago"

"I know" Olivia stood up. "Right I've made a unanimous decision – no more work talk" Grabbing the two plates she moved to the kitchen and placed them in the sink before taking two beers out of the fridge.

"What else is there to talk about?"

"I don't care. The weather, where you learned to shoot? World peace? Anything except work."

Amanda sat down on the sofa and took one of the beers from Olivia.

"So umm…" Amanda was stuck for words and suddenly realised that their lives really did revolve around their jobs. It saddened her more than a bit.

"So, Georgia born and raised or did you move around?"  
"Georgia born and raised", when Amanda said the name of her hometown her accent became more pronounced and it made Olivia shiver a little. She loved that accent.

"My Pa used to move around for work but he never took us with him due to Kim… um yeah you know" She was so used to having to explain her sister to others that she'd forgotten all of the people in her life in New York had met her and so there was no need to explain.

Olivia nodded.

"Anyway he travelled around because he had a woman in every state mostly. For all I know I've half brothers and sisters out there I know nothing about"

Olivia had pulled her feet up under her on the sofa and was sitting with her arm along the back. Reaching out she stroked Amanda's shoulder with the tips of her fingers.

The touch brought Amanda back to the present.

"Sorry, so uh, what about you? Always a New York girl?"

"Every single day"

"That's commitment"

"Some would call it insanity" Olivia smiled. She loved her city really; it was just the people in it she wasn't so fond of sometimes. "So what about pet hates?"

Amanda thought for a moment. "Apart from the scum we meet most days, frozen coffee. What is the point of frozen coffee? It's meant to be hot not cold!"

Amada wanted to delve in the more personal stuff now that she had the energy but she wanted to let Olivia lead the way. She didn't have to wait long.

"So when was the last time someone took you out on a date?"

For the second time Amanda stalled thinking about her answer. What constituted a date? More to the point what did Olivia Benson think constituted a date? A three-course meal? A film? A show?

"If it takes that long to give an answer it's been too long Rollins"  
She nodded taking a drink of beer "Fair point"

Amanda was less ready for the next question

"So what have you been doing for company since you got here?"  
"What?" Amanda's voice was an octave higher than she thought possible

Olivia laughed as she got swotted with a cushion

"Detective Benson that's a deeply personal question"  
"Well are you going to answer or am I going to have to make up stories to wile away the boredom of paperwork tomorrow?"  
Amanda really wasn't sure how to answer that the question without incriminating herself or anyone else.

"Look Mand, if it's too personal… I didn't mean to pry"

"No Liv, it's okay. It's just… well actually no it's not a long story, it's quite short. There's a drawer in there that keeps me pretty well occupied" the coy smile and raised eyebrow sent Olivia's imagination places it wasn't a good idea to go so late at night.

"After that there was one or two – uh encounters"  
Olivia moved closer to the smaller woman still leaving space but close enough so she could put her hand on Amanda's knee.

"Is that what the kids are calling them these days"

Amanda stuck out her tongue in response and got a smack on the knee in reply.

"Has anyone every told you you're a funny woman Detective?"  
"Moi?" Olivia asked looking the picture of innocence "I am both hilarious and ridiculous"

Amanda laughed at the fake French accent Olivia put on. She rested her hand on top of the one on her knee and looked at Olivia's face, her eyes twinkling from the lamplight catching them.

"There's been no one important. A guy I met in a club. Someone I met at work…"

"Hold up, someone at work?"

"No one you know snoopy"

"I know everyone in the NYPD – okay slight exaggeration".

"I'm not so sure" Amanda teased

"Yeah I am somewhat of an old timer. But who?"  
"Um, Lauren, in booking"

"Lauren Thomas? Red hair, mid thirties, 'bout my height?"  
"The same"  
"Wow. Lucky her"

Amanda held Olivia's gaze and realised she wasn't being funny, the humours tone was gone, replaced by quiet whispered tones;

"Yeah lucky me more like"

Olivia moved so that she was right beside the blonde and pushed some strands of hair off her face.

"No definitely what I said a moment ago" Olivia was getting so distracted she could hardly remember what that was.

Closing the gap between them Olivia leaned in and put her hand to the back of Amanda's neck pulling her in for the kiss she'd been longing to give her all day. It was playful a first but became more intense as tongues began a teasing dance and fingers found their way into hair.

Pulling back Olivia looked into the blue eyes, still tired but far more awake than earlier.

"God that felt good"  
Amanda nodded against her forehead in response moving in to place small gentle kisses on Olivia's soft lips. She moaned as she felt the brunette put her hands on her hips and pull her closer.

"Uh… Liv…" she managed between kisses

Olivia laughed as Amanda tried to get some more words out between little pecks but it was useless. So she gave up to let the blonde speak.

"We should… oh to hell with it, I've another seven hours to sleep"

Olivia was taken aback as she blonde moved so she was straddling her waist, knees tight against her hips, breasts within tasting distance, eyes full of lust and want.

Amanda leaned in to kiss the other woman but this time there was nothing gentle about it. They were completely lost in each other as hands began to move; Amanda's into Olivia's hair and behind her neck and Olivia's over Amanda's shoulders and back.

Amanda was getting to the point where kissing wasn't going to be enough. She needed more. It was at that point that she felt Olivia's hands push gently on her shoulders. She pulled back to see that the woman beneath her was crying.

"Jesus, Liv, baby". The shock Amanda had gotten was overwhelming. How had she not noticed the tears? She gathered her into her arms as best she could in the position they were in and held her for a time until she felt the taller woman relax in her embrace.

When she felt Olivia move she made to climb off her lap but Olivia held her in place.

"Don't go… just…"

"It's okay Liv"

Olivia nodded. It was okay. She knew it in her rational mind. But as Amanda leaned in and the heat between them became too much she had a flashback to Lewis in the car, kissing her through the duct tape, holding her neck.

She met concerned blue eyes with regretful brown ones as she apologised

"I'm sorry"

Amanda leaned in and kissed her forehead gently holding still for a moment.

"Don't ever say that to me again"

Olivia nodded as she felt blue eyes return to look at her.

"I saw Kate today. It brought up some stuff"

Olivia didn't want Amanda to think it was anything she had done that had been a trigger. She didn't want the younger woman feeling like this was her fault because it wasn't.

Amanda climbed off her lap while she continued to speak but kept contact with the warm body underneath as lay down on the couch and opened her arm indicating for Olivia to join her. The taller woman lay down beside her and kissed her gently.

"How is she?"  
"As well as she can be?"  
"And how are you?"

"You know I don't think I've ever been asked that question so many times in one day without it bothering me"

Amanda smiled "I have that affect on people" Amanda felt Olivia's arm drape across her hip and she mirrored the move rubbing gentle circles on Olivia's hip where there was a gap between her jeans and blazer.

"I'm okay to answer your other question. Just one of those days"  
"That's allowed hon. Any time you need to cry you cry, you hear me? Just maybe not when I'm kissing you cause it could give a girl a complex"

Olivia knew Amanda was joking and she didn't want to complicate things so she simply leaned in and kissed her in response. The kiss was soft at first but the heat that had been building earlier began to return and Olivia could sense Amanda's hesitance in getting in too deep.

"I'm sorry this must be driving you insane"

"I told you, no more of that 's' word. And what do you mean?"

"The mixed signals, the stopping and starting"

Amanda pulled Olivia against her holding on tighter for a minute before releasing her.

"Baby there are no mixed signals. I know how you feel and you know how I feel. And no amount of stopping or starting in the world is going to change that. You're stuck with me now whether you like it or not"

"I like it a lot"  
"Good. So no more of that"

"I just… if you need to… you know…"

"What?"  
Olivia groaned slightly embarrassed but needing to say it.

"If you want to you know find pleasure elsewhere…"

Amanda sat up slightly so she could turn to look Olivia in the eye fully.

"Are you suggesting I call a hooker detective? Because I'm pretty sure that's frowned upon in our profession".

"No, God no, I just meant… I… I don't know what I meant. I just don't want you waiting and hoping and then…"

Amanda stood up and turned to help Olivia off the sofa. Taking her hand she walked them to the bedroom.

Neither spoke as Amanda unbuckled her belt and removed her jeans and socks and shoes.

Standing in the darkness, only the light from the street illuminating bodies Amanda again reached for Olivia's hand and walked to the bed. Pulling the covers back she told her to "get comfortable". Olivia removed her blazer and shoes and laid her head on the pillow watching the blonde intently.

"Liv, I told you the last day that if all we did was kiss I would die a happy woman, do you remember?"

Olivia nodded her eyes still fixed on the body of the beautiful blonde beside her.

"I wasn't just saying it. I don't just say stuff like that. In fact with people I've been with in the past it's the last thing I'd say to most of them. But you…"

She reached out and stroked Olivia's cheek bringing the other woman back down to earth. "with you it's the absolute truth. Because kissing you makes me so hot and so wet I can almost cum from it. That last morning in the shower after we fooled around a bit I did, in under a minute, which trust me is not a regular thing"

Olivia wasn't sure if she was dreaming or not but she didn't want it to end if she was. She knew it was real when she felt Amanda's soft lips on hers for a moment.

"Liv, open your eyes"  
Olivia wasn't even sure when she'd closed them but she did as instructed and watched as the blonde turned onto her back her head still turned so the was looking at the brunette whose head was still laying on the pillow her eyes wide her heartbeat racing.

Olivia saw movement out of the corner of her eye and followed it to see Amanda's knees bending as her hand moved between her legs and into her underwear. She heard a low groan as the tips of Amanda's fingers seemed to find what they had been looking for.

She closed her eyes momentarily as he fingers made contact with her clit and then opened them again to look at Olivia

"Out there, just now, if I'd kept kissing you, the seam on my jeans would have been enough to make me cum. It's what you do to me Liv". She bit her lip as she sped up the movement of her fingers finally sliding them lower so she could enter herself. She moaned louder this time as fingers sunk into a river of wetness.

"Uh, you… only you" Eyes still trained on Olivia's, Amanda was panting as she pushed further into herself, finally finding the right angle to hit her g-spot.

"Fuck… yes… Liv" she cried out as she came unable to keep her eyes open as pleasure coursed through her.

Stroking gently she brought herself back down and when she opened her eyes she saw pools of brown, like melted chocolate watching her in awe.

Olivia leaned over to kiss her holding her close as she felt the last of the fragments of orgasm leave her.

"That was…" Olivia was lost for words, a rare occurrence.

"Yup. That's what you do to me. Trust me that is not the first time your name has been called out in passion in my bedroom. Never with you here admittedly so that made it extra special" Amanda's giggled as she felt Olivia kiss her neck.

"Mand, I just… Thank You"

"Thank you detective. You are after all the inspiration for all of this"

Olivia's expression became sad as she thought what if that was all she could ever be? The inspiration?

"Stop overthinking it Liv. Whatever happens, we're in this together. I'm fallin' hard for you lady, so I ain't going anywhere. Time is one thing we've got on our side. And we've got each other. So right now I'd say we're doing pretty well"

Olivia curled into the blonde's body, kissing her neck again.

Amanda turned so she could face the other woman and placed a soft kiss goodnight on her temple. Slipping her fingers down to that patch of skin on Olivia's hip again she began the slow circles that eventually allowed them both to fall into a peaceful slumber.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

**A/N Sorry this has taken so long guys. Christmas snuck up on me. I'll keep updating it, might just take me some time with holidays and assignments and stuff. Hope you liked it. Feel free to let me know what you think. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Seems the only time I get to write at the moment is at like 2 a.m. so apologies for the spelling mistakes in advance! Anyway the second part of the case in this is giving me a problem so I'm going to finish one in order to focus on the other. In the meantime here's a bit of downtime for the stressed out detectives as they welcome ADA Barba back. There is some mention of rape and violence here so just be warned. **

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

It was that point of the day where everyone had had it up to the eyeballs with idiots and thieves. Cragen had taken to his office to receive another rollicking from One PP. Olivia was staring blankly at the evidence board and Amanda and Fin were having a throwing competition with a thrash can and balled up bits of paper.

Olivia growled as she ran her fingers through her hair for he fiftieth time.

"What the fuck am I missing?" she said out loud to no one in particular.

Amanda left Fin to it and went to sit beside the frustrated detective.

"What can I do?"  
"Solve this for me"

Olivia leaned her head onto her left hand with her elbow bent and resting on the table.

"Ok so the GPS you got? Yeah get had a phone on him. But he dumped it at the scene and there's no finger prints"

"Odd that he'd leave a phone there"

"At this stage I think he's just messing with us"

"Have any of the vics remembered anything since?"  
"Kate thought she had a flashback to a slight hint of an accent when she was watching something on TV. She rang earlier. She wasn't 100% but said she thought it was worth reporting"  
"That's good. Not many think to do it being that their mind is usually a million miles away"  
Right at that moment that's where Olivia wished she was, a million miles away from the squad room, a million miles away from this case.

"You're going to get him. And when you do we're taking some of those sick days you're owed – those 120 you told me about this morning – and we're going to go away for the weekend"

Olivia turned slightly to look at the blonde "You can read minds too?"  
Amanda tilted her head slightly adding a curious "What?"

"Never mind. I was just thinking I need to get out of here"

Amanda smiled "Great minds and all"

"Yeah, and how does the second part of that saying go?"

Amanda nudged her playfully with her shoulder.

"Go back to work. I'm going to go back to my game… I mean work"

Olivia laughed as she watched Amanda return to her desk, pick up a piece of paper and throw it at Fin.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Gathered together at their usual spot the bar a few hours later the squad waited for the guest of honour to arrive. Munch had joined them, not to welcome Barba home but rather to catch up. Talk of work hadn't been left in the squad room that evening however because they'd found Gordon Philips dead in a crack Den in Harlem. He'd met up with an ex girlfriend he used to beat up much like he did his wife. He'd left her with nothing when he went and she ended up working as a prostitute. He saw an opportunity to exploit her again and had used her 'services'. Having nowhere to go they went back to the place she called home. Philips however had underestimated the power of a woman wronged. This was one trick Shirley Benton didn't want paying for. Instead she wanted revenge for the years of abuse she'd suffered at Gordon Philips hands. When Rollins and Fin went to deliver the news of his death to his wife she was confused at first about the location of his body. When Amanda explained she nodded, smiled and then shook her head.

"Wish I'd gotten there first" was all she said as she walked to her son's room. Fin walked back to peek into the room and saw her sitting on the floor stroking her son's blonde hair as he slept.

Fin was relaying this part of the story to the group when Barba appeared.

"Hola ADA Barba" Munch greeted him ordering him a drink as the barman walked by.

Sitting down the ADA glanced around, same familiar faces, same god awful décor, same tragic news stories running in the ribbon at the bottom of the TV screen. He was back. But he'd left a part of himself in Syria. A part of him stayed with the people desperately fighting for freedom. He'd taken a job as a special advisor for the government because he knew that he'd be in an office surrounded by military for the most part. And he felt safe in that knowledge. But in the evenings when he was alone and he could hear the bombings, could hear the people running screaming from their homes he only wished he could do more. He convinced himself that the advisory work he was doing would help some day. But he knew a lot of the people he heard screaming wouldn't see that day.

Olivia saw the far away look in his eye as he pretended to listen to Fin's complaints about his "wet behind the ears" replacement and laugh at Munch's joke that his latest play involved a character he was an ADA turned superhero.

When they moved from the bar to a table she sat down beside him while the rest of the team argued over who was buying the next round.

"So it was really that bad?"  
Barba turned to look at her and just nodded

"I'm sorry. It must have been hard. I know when Alex came back from the Congo she'd changed. She'd seen things out there she couldn't speak about. Violence, torture, rape; the list was long and disturbing".

Barba took another swig of his whiskey "I spoke to her about it once at some black tie event"

"So you know why I'm asking?"  
Barba gave her a rueful smile. "I do detective and thank you for your concern. But I've been chatting to a friend who was in Egypt not long back. We've shared some horror stories and bonded over a bottle or four of whiskey"  
"Keep talking to him" Olivia had learned recently that sometimes talking is all you have.

Barba nodded as the rest of the group joined them. She felt Amanda's hand on her lower back as she sat beside her. It grounded her as her mind had floated away to thoughts of Alex and some of the stories she'd told her. Stories Olivia hadn't thought about since her attack that raised hairs on the back of her neck.

"You okay?" Amanda whispered quietly

Olivia nodded "I'm good. Just a little tired"

"You want to go"  
"Maybe after the next one?"

Amanda rubbed her back gently and whispered a quiet "okay" before returning too discuss Munch's idea for a play based on the life of John Lennon through his own music. Fin's major problem with the idea being that Munch hadn't got a note in his head and had never seen a modern day musical. They all laughed, as Fin pointed out that the last time John Munch had seen anything musical it had been Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Amanda was brushing her teeth tying up her hair and dressing herself for bed at the same time. It made for a very messy bathroom as Olivia walked in to find her toothbrush. Amanda rinsed her mouth and kissed Olivia on the cheek before making a move for the bedroom to allow Olivia get changed. The steps they were taking were still very small and tentative and Amanda wasn't taking anything for granted. She didn't want to scare away the best thing to happen to her in a long time. Walking into the bedroom she felt the hair tie snap in her fingers. She kept the spares in the cabinet over her sink for when she hastily tied up wet hair after a shower, normally while running late.

It had only been 20 seconds so she didn't feel the need to knock simply shouting Olivia's name as she opened the door to explain her presence.

When she opened the door the figure in front of her froze. Amanda did the same but her eyes moved. They travelled from Olivia's bare neck down over the skin of her collarbone and to breasts that were encased in a black silk bra.

Amanda felt so many emotions at once and none of them were the ones she was expecting.

She took a step forward so she was within touching distance of the other woman. Reaching out her hand she used her fingertip to trace the raised skin, the scar faded now, right between Olivia's breasts. Her hand then veered off to the left a few inches above her nipple where a piece of flesh was still healing from what looked like a puncture wound. Below the cup of her bra on either side Amanda saw where stiches had recently been removed and again left two raised scars. She removed her hand and looked for a moment longer at the various scars and then raised her eyes to hold the brown ones staring at her, tears threatening.

She couldn't speak. Anger, pain, fear everything she felt left her without words. Instead she wrapped her arms around Olivia's still form and felt the tears fall from those sad brown eyes onto her shoulder. She didn't let go as she reached to the right where Olivia's pyjama top was on the towel rack. Pulling back only momentarily so she could pull it over her head and use her thumbs to wipe some of the tears away, placing a kiss on her forehead, she took the taller woman into her arms again and moved slowly towards the bedroom.

Pulling back the comforter she helped Olivia into bed before moving onto the bed beside her. Olivia moved to accommodate the blonde. Amanda was on the wrong side of the bed but she didn't care. All she cared about was holding Olivia.

When she felt Olivia's body finally relax from the rigour of terror it had been in since the bathroom she spoke softly.

"Does it hurt?"

"Only when I'm too hot or cold"

"I'm going to… I just… Fuck" Amanda kissed the top of Olivia's head as she placed her hand on her hip, the now familiar routine of drawing circles bringing them both some comfort.

"I'm sorry I just walked in"  
"It's okay Amanda. I just, I wanted to show you, I just didn't know how"

"Yeah and I did a really great job of giving you time to do it on your own"

Olivia lifted her head and looked down into angry blue eyes.

"Sweetheart you've been amazing. Don't beat yourself up over this. It would have happened eventually and maybe it's better it happened like that. I'm sorry you got a fright"

"I just… I'm going to fucking kill him"

"Ssshhh" Olivia silenced the anger and protest with a gentle kiss. "He's not worth it baby"

"Oh but he so fucking is"

"He isn't"  
"I know some guys with some guns back home, no questions asked, few thousand dollars, they'll take out anyone"

Olivia chuckled "I think Barba might have something to say about that"

"Yeah, well done"

Olivia smiled as she placed another gentle kiss on Amanda's lips before tucking her head in under Amanda's chin feeling familiar patterns being drawn on her hip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to be able to sleep again without someone doing that to me" Olivia said pushing her hip up against Amanda's hand to indicate what she was referring to.

"You'll never have to, I promise"

Placing another kiss on top of the brunette's head Amanda sighed, realising that the past was something she could do nothing about. What mattered now was the future. She fell asleep when she felt Olivia's breath get shallower against her chest and she knew that for a few hours at least the nightmare was over"

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

**Hopefully I'll have some time to develop this over my break! In the meantime to those of you who celebrate it have a lovely Christmas, to those who don't, enjoy the day off work **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N – Thanks as always for all the lovely reviews – always make me smile! Here goes…. And I haven't quite wrapped the case up yet though a lot of it gets solved, I want to include a bit of the trial – just to see if I can write it basically! But not in this chapter. **

Barba stood at the other side of the mirrored wall watching Fin and Rollins talk to a homeless guy who was suspected of raping and leaving for dead a teenage girl who'd run away from home and was new to the streets. This guy unfortunately, was not new to the law. He knew his rights and he was giving them nothing but smart remarks. He could see Fin's body tense, as Amanda got increasingly frustrated with the snide comments about cops and women in general. She could usually take it, but this guy was getting personal and her skin was crawling. He saw both detectives approach the door to exit the room. Calling them he got looks of 'this is not the time' but he knew there was never a good time to play devil's advocate. As he reviewed the mans statement as he gave it earlier pertaining to his whereabouts at the time of the attack Barba pointed out that his alibi was pretty watertight. He instructed Fin and Rollins to make the water spill out.

"Easy for him to say" Fin muttered as the smaller man walked away. "He doesn't have another dozen open cases sitting on his big ass mahogany desk"

"In fairness he probably does, he just has a fancier desk" Amanda called over her shoulder as she made her way towards the table where Olivia sat staring at evidence in the Bronx case.

"You know if you stare at that much longer it's gona start talking to you"  
"Kinda what I'm hoping"

"Nah, I mean talking to you as in funny little cartoon characters jumping out and doing dances"

Olivia smiled, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. This case was getting to her and Amanda knew it. They'd spent the last few nights just sitting in silence, watching TV but not really and sleeping but restlessly in Olivia's case.

"You wana coffee?"

"Yeah thanks, that'd be good"

Amanda squeezed her shoulder gently before she went to put some fresh coffee on. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Nick staring at them. She walked by his desk on her way to the kitchenette.

"Amaro, hey" Amanda was looking around; hoping something would interrupt the conversation even though she'd started it.

"Rollins, what's up?"  
"You, ah, you kinda…"

Amaro smiled that cute smile that caused women and in a few cases as Rollins had seen, men, to go weak at the knees.

"I kinda interrupted something the last day?"  
"Yeah look, about that, it's just kinda…"

Nick smiled at Amanda's inability to finish a sentence.

"It's okay Rollins, your secret is safe with me".

Amanda smiled and nodded her head slightly. As she went to move away Nick said quietly "Amanda?" The blonde turned back around; "Look after her okay? I know you know that, but you know."

"I know" Amanda smiled again. As she made the coffee she thought about how the dynamics of their team worked so well. The fear that had gripped her that first day, fear of meeting her new captain, her new colleagues all dissipated when she met the formidable Olivia Benson. She'd been awe struck. And it had taken time for that to wear off but now she was awe struck in a completely different way by the beautiful brunette. Seeing her in a new light, as a friend, as a lover, as a confidante. She was in awe of how amazingly strong and beautiful the other woman was. But she was also in awe of Olivia's ability to make her feel like she could be that strong. She'd felt a change in herself, in her confidence and in the direction she saw herself going. It'd had been such a short timespan yet her perspective on a lot of things had changed. She smiled to herself as the percolator switched off. Pouring two cups of coffee she was walking towards Olivia when she saw her stand as a woman entered the squad room.

She couldn't hear what Olivia was saying but she recognised the woman as Kate Murray from her picture in the file Olivia had been going through the day before.

Walking towards Olivia's desk as the two women sat down she placed the two mugs of coffee beside them

"Figured you could both do with this" she reached a hand out to shake Kate's as the woman sat down, introducing herself. She nodded to Olivia "I'll be at my desk if you need anything"

Olivia nodded but her attention was already on Kate. Ever the professional, it was one of the things Amanda admired most about her.

Amanda opened the file on her desk about their latest suspect just as two unis walked in with something that sounded like the incredible hulk and smelled like a brewery. They'd started using their precient's holding cells when they were free as an overspill for the drunk and disorderly's from the 1-12. Because their holding cells were permanently full with the scrapings of the bottom of society's barrel of offerings of human kind they'd been given permission to use other precient's provided an officer stayed with the perp. Right now it was cheaper than building an extension with six new cells they needed.

"I ain't got time for this shit" she heard Fin mutter as he stood from his desk.

"Neil…" one of he unis started to speak but was interrupted by Kate standing up from Olivia's desk screaming "You bastard"

The man being held by the two uniformed officers asked drunkenly "are me going to you, I mean you are, let her that speak to you, I mean me, like that?"

Olivia stood and supported Kate with an arm around her hip as her legs started to give.

"That's him, that's the bastard that raped me"; Kate's voice was full of hate. "You bastard". Olivia lowered Kate back onto the chair she'd been sitting on a moment ago.

"Kate are you sure that's him?"  
"Of course I'm sure" – Kate looked at her incredulously "Do you not believe me?"  
"No I believe you hon, I believe you, I just need to know how you know"

"That voice, it…" Kate shivered "it's him"

Fin and Amaro had taken charge of the drunk from the uniformed officers and after signing off on the paperwork they left. He was still rambling incoherently as they chucked him in the holding cell. He fell asleep instantly when he lay down and his head hit the pillow on the concrete bench.

Olivia and Kate moved towards the room beside Craven's office so Kate wouldn't have to see or hear the man who attacked her any longer. Amanda didn't want to interrupt since it wasn't her case but when Nick came out of the room where Olivia and Kate were a few moments later he called her over.

"Liv wants to know if you'd mind taking second chair just for a bit. She's jumpy as hell and me being there isn't helping. She figured another woman might offer some safety"

Amanda nodded. She knew Nick was feeling a bit left out so she assured him she'd hand over anything they found when they'd finished.

He nodded and went to gather the evidence from the area Olivia had been working in earlier.

Taking a deep breath Amanda entered the room but stood at the door waiting for permission to come in. When Kate nodded her consent Amanda joined Olivia at the table.

"Kate we need to work out a few things okay?"  
Kate nodded. Her panic was evident. She wanted to escape desperately, didn't want to be anywhere near Neil Peyton as they now knew him.

Amanda and Olivia spent the next hour going through what sparked the flashback, if it could have been triggered by something else? Was Kate sure she hadn't just met Peyton in some other capacity?

By the end of the questions all three of them were exhausted. Amanda hung back as Olivia walked Kate out to a marked car to take her home. While she gathered her notes to hand them off to Amaro she sensed someone behind her.

Turning around she saw Olivia standing in the doorway staring at the floor, shoulders hunched.

"Need a hug?"

A gentle head nod and a few steps forward were Olivia's response. Amanda reached around her and pushed the door closed before taking her into her arms and holding her tight placing a small kiss on the side of her head as she smoothed her hand up on down the other woman's back.

"I'm here baby"

Olivia simply nodded against her shoulder. She didn't need words right now she just needed this.

x-x-x-x-xx-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

There weren't enough hugs in the world to get Olivia through the next six hours. Walking out of the interview room she rubbed the back of her neck with her fingers trying to work out a knot that had formed about an hour earlier. Amanda was sitting at her desk signing off on some statements and reading about some new ammo the Department was talking about using. She looked up when she heard the interview room door open. Olivia looked so weary she wanted to wrap her in her arms again and walk straight to the elevator. Instead she stood and pulled out Olivia's desk chair. The detective proceeded to fall into it when she reached it. Amaro had headed for the captains office and Fin was gone home so they were alone for a few minutes.

Putting her hands on Olivia's shoulders she began to massage them gently, leaning in to place a kiss on the top of her head.

Olivia winced as Amanda's thumbs hit the knot she'd been trying to knead out a few moments earlier.

"Sore?"  
Olivia nodded "But don't stop, it feels too good"

Amanda continued but avoided the spot that was causing Olivia pain. She had a plan for later but nothing she required was readily available here.

Hearing the Captain's office door open Amanda moved quickly to her desk to sit down.

Amaro sat down and smiled "You don't have to you know?"

Olivia and Amanda looked at him quizzically

"You just jumped outta your skin Rollins. You don't have to pretend you're not, you know…" Amaro blushed slightly as he tried to think of a polite way to put it "You know… together"

Both women smiled as Amaro's genuine good meaning. But Amanda knew that Olivia was terrified word would get to Cassidy somehow. They hadn't spoken about what this was, or where it was going, both were just content with how things were right now.

"Thanks Nick" Olivia answered for both of them. "We're just taking it slow. We don't want anyone knowing right now"

Nick nodded "Ok. It's way past my bedtime and Zara and Gil will have me awake in" – he looked at the clock on the wall and groaned – "roughly five hours. So I'm outta here. Night Liv, Night Rollins"

"Night" they called in unison.

The Captain's office door opened again as a tired Donald Cragen looked over to his new Sergeant's desk. "He's not giving up without a fight?"

"Peyton? No, he started out with consensual sex, then tried an insanity plea and now he's claiming he's a chronic alcoholic that can't be held responsible for his actions".

Cragen got the same summation from Olivia he'd gotten from Nick. He wanted to check they were on the same page and neither found any credibility in what Neil Peyton was saying.

"Go home, both of you"

Olivia and Amanda both stood. Cragen was surprised; he was expecting to have to force Olivia out the door; that was her usual MO when she was psyched up after an interview. For a fleeting moment he was concerned that it was all getting too much for Olivia after all she'd been through. But then he saw a look between the two women in front of him when they thought he wasn't looking anymore. A look he hadn't seen in quite some time in his squad room. A look that usually struck fear into his heart; but right now that look gave him reassurance.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Lying on Amanda's bed, face down, in just cotton pyjama shorts Olivia's brain was working overtime. Thoughts were racing so fast she was barely catching them, which was probably a good thing.

Hearing Amanda walk back into the room she tensed slightly. But the smells of jasmine and aloe-vera and something slightly like fresh cotton as they wafted by her being placed on the bedside locker helped her relax slightly.

"Liv, you still awake?" Amanda asked gently

"Mmmhmmm"

"Good. Sorry that took longer than I thought, I couldn't find the aloe-vera"

Amanda sat down on the bed and observed Olivia's body and how tense her shoulders were. She was trying to relax, Amanda could tell from the strain she could see in the muscles.

"Hon, if you want to just sleep we can sleep?"  
Olivia turned slightly so she could look at the other woman who was dressed in a spaghetti strap blue top and grey pyjama shorts.

"I'm good"

"You sure?"  
Olivia smiled "I'm sure". As she rolled back onto her front the tension in her shoulders seemed to relax slightly.

Amanda knelt up so she could straddle the taller woman's waist.

She had already put some of the aloe-vera gel on her fingertips. When it made contact with Olivia's skin she yelped slightly causing the blonde to laugh.

"Sorry it's a bit cold"  
"Yeah thanks for the warning" Olivia muttered into the pillow. She felt the blonde pinch the skin on her shoulder in retaliation.

Turning so she was partially on her side she managed to pinch part of Amanda's hip.

"Oh so it's like that is it?" the blonde asked, the challenge evident in her voice, "Ok, bring it Benson!"

Olivia turned fully onto her front rolling Amanda onto her back under her. Tickling her sides she placed a few small kissed along the smaller woman's neck.

Amanda was giggling so much she could hardly catch her breath. When she did she managed to get out "Ok, I surrender, I surrender"

Olivia laughed but continued to kiss the blonde's neck. As she lifted her head to look at Amanda properly the pain in her neck caused her to wince.

"On your front again please Detective, and this time no games" – Amanda's commanding tone left no room for argument.

Olivia pouted and Amanda laughed as she resumed her position straddling her hips. Reaching out for some more gel she began to massage Olivia's lower back. The moans of encouragement from further up the bed urged her on and aroused her slightly, the latter of which she tried desperately to ignore. She worked from Olivia's lower back up, until once again she was at her shoulders.

Olivia was so still Amanda was sure she'd fallen asleep.

"Liv" Amanda said her name so softly that in her slightly dozy state Olivia almost didn't hear her.

"Mmm?" was all she could manage

"Sit up for a second hon"

It took her thirty seconds but she managed it, her eyes however remained closed.

Amanda once again glanced at the scars on Olivia's chest as she hesitated to hand her the pyjama top she had brought with her for the sleepy detective.

Olivia knew why Amanda had stalled without opening her eyes. She opened them slowly to give Amanda a chance to avert her gaze, which she did immediately. Reaching her hand out she took the top Amanda was holding and pulled it on.

Lying down she stretched her arm across Amanda's side of the bed and the blonde lay down onto it, feeling Olivia pull her into an embrace against her as she turned her own body. Lying nose-to-nose staring into eyes Olivia placed a gentle kiss on the soft lips that were only centimeters from hers.

Amanda reluctantly opened her eyes as she felt the soft kiss end.

"I'm sorry for staring"

"You weren't starting, you were doing what I've done a million time, trying to figure out what kind of animal can do that"

"That giving animals a bad name Liv"

Liv smiled as she kissed the top of the blonde head under her chin.

"You're right it is"

"You are beautiful you know that right? I mean those scars, to me they just tell the story of how amazingly brave you've been. Jesus, I don't know how you…"

Amanda heard a soft sigh as she realised Olivia had fallen asleep. She placed her hand on her hip and began to draw soft circles and whispered quietly into the dark room.

"Beautiful, amazing, strong, a girl could fall in love pretty easy with you Olivia Benson"

Amanda continued her ministrations on Olivia's hip as she fell asleep.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Christmas, 4 assignments and a silly flu have meant this was very low on my list for the last while – sorry! After the last episode I needed to write something about these two! I wished Amanda would just reach out and touch her shoulder or something when they were in court! Anyway here goes… And in case I haven't said it somewhere else – none of them are mine, they all belong to Dick and Warren and Julie, I just like to borrow them!**

**A/N 2: I had to take slight liberties here and pretend Kim's last visit didn't happen otherwise we know she wouldn't be contacting Amanda. **

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

"It never occurred to you to look in under the stack of freakin' papers on your desk?"

Fin held up his hands in defeat "Sorry"

"Sorry. That's all you have to say, sorry?" Amanda's voice could be heard in the far corner of the squad room and Fin was praying her bad mood would end soon so he could stop walking on eggshells.

"Look Rollins, I couldn't find them, I honest to God thought I'd lost them"

Amanda began to open her mouth to rip into her partner again but something in the look he was giving her told her he'd had enough. She bowed her head muttered 'sorry' quietly and walked towards the elevator.

She heard heels clicking on the floor behind her and she knew it was Olivia before she turned around.

"Hey"

Amanda bowed her head again; "You hear that?"

"I was in the Captain's office, not on Staten Island Mand. Come on, let's go get some coffee"

As the elevator doors opened and a few people alighted Amanda and Olivia got in and as the doors closed they were the only two there. Leaning to the right Amanda put her head on Olivia's shoulder and sighed.

"I need to apologise to Fin"

"It's okay, I saw him on the way out, he just said 'go get her and tell her it's okay'"

Amanda smiled sadly lifting her head away from the shoulder offering her comfort as the elevator came to a stop on the ground floor.

"Makai's?"

"Sounds good"

After agreeing on a café the two women walked in silence the four blocks, Olivia reaching out after two to take the blonde's hand in hers.

They ordered two cappuccinos and sat at a small table in the corner, which was hidden from view by some plants and a small edge on each of the booths. They sat in one booth together and Amanda returned her head to Olivia's shoulder while Olivia wrapped her arm around her lower back and held her close.

"I don't want to go"

"I know you don't baby"

"I don't want to leave you"

"You don't have to"

"Yes I do. I'm not letting my family loose on you for at least another decade"

Olivia smiled and it echoed in her voice "Ten years, huh? You think we'll still be together in ten years?"

"Goading me right now will not bode well for you Benson. I haven't had caffeine yet today and I didn't get to see you last night or the night before since you slept on the sofa, afraid you'd wake me"

Olivia kissed Amanda's temple just as the waitress arrived. She smiled at Olivia, recognising her from the many times she'd visited with the other detective, a man with blue eyes and dark hair. She never thought he made her very happy. This blonde lady however, made Olivia's eyes sparkle in a way the waitress had never seen before. She was happy for her. She knew Olivia worked long hours and didn't seem to do much else, since she'd seen her getting coffee at very irregular hours. The waitress gently squeezed Amanda's arm as she walked away seeing that the young woman appeared upset.

Olivia pulled back and Amanda was forced to lift her head. A tear had escaped and was on her cheek.

"Oh honey I was kidding about the ten years"  
"It's not that"  
"Your aunt?"

Amanda nodded looking down at the coffee that had been placed in front of her.

"I just didn't expect it to happen so quick"  
"What did they say happened in the end?"  
"The cancer had spread further than they thought. There just wasn't enough chemo in the world to save her"

Another tear escaped Amanda's eye as she thought about her Aunty Jean.

Olivia pulled Amanda closer to her and they sat there for a while just enjoying the warmth and the body contact.

Eventually Amanda lifted her head and spoke; "I'm going to book a flight today. I've a few days owed". I'll be gone max three days"

"It's okay sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere"

Amanda squeezed the hand that Olivia rested on her leg. "I don't think I get through it if you weren't"

Reaching for her coffee she realised they'd been sitting for too long and it was now only lukewarm. She didn't really want it anyway. All she really wanted to do was take Olivia and go home and let her hold her. But she knew it was time to be a grown up – she'd learned how to do it pretty fast with Kim as a sister. Hurricane Kim rushed in did damage and left a wreck in her wake that Amanda always had to clean up. She needed to go to Jean's funeral since she knew she'd probably be the only family member there.

"We should get back"

Amanda groaned but she knew Olivia was right. Standing she held her hand out and Olivia took it. As they made their way out a woman called Olivia's name from behind the counter. Holding up a cup holder with two take-away cups in it the waitress handed it to the detective "Figured you wouldn't get the chance to drink the others"

Olivia smiled and thanked the waitress.

"Anytime detective. I know you don't know him, but my brother is a police officer and I admire you guys so much for what you do"

Amanda smiled at the woman's sentiment too. "Thanks" she checked the woman's badge for her name "Thanks Clara"

"You're welcome detectives. Any time"

Walking out of the café there was a slight chill in the air as they made their way back to the precinct.

Placing the coffee on her desk when she walked in she handed one back to Olivia and gave the other to Fin.

"I'm sorry"

"No problem"

"Pizza's on me next time too"

"Woah, did you do something to my car outside that I didn't see"

Amanda laughed "No big man, I just realised I'd been a total bitch for the last two days and I owe you"

"Sounds good to me, but Chinese not pizza"

"Can do"

Returning to their desks the team took to the dull and laborious task of paper work. Barba arrived after an hour to prep Olivia and Amaro for Kate's trial. Amanda was clicking the final window closed on the computer after booking her flights when the D.A. and the Detectives returned some time later.

Amanda walked past Olivia as she headed for the Captain's office to finalise her plans to take her personal days.

"Going to talk to the boss man?"

Amanda smiled. "Yeah. Let's hope nothin' has come up"

"We've got you covered!"

Amanda nodded as she knocked on the glass of Cragen's office door and waited for permission to enter.

Taking her seat Olivia was staring into space when Fin called her back to reality.

"Liv, you still staying with Amanda?"  
Olivia nodded. She'd been there almost four weeks now and it was time to move but she didn't want to and Amanda didn't seem to want her to either. She didn't want her colleagues knowing that though.

"Yeah, uh, yeah, we're just… em, I mean I'm just… there's nothing out there right now"

Olivia felt her cheeks get warm but Fin wasn't paying attention to her embarrassment, he was more concerned about his partner

"Is she okay?"  
"Yeah, she just needs some time Fin, she's good". Amanda didn't want to tell the squad about her aunt because to most an aunt wouldn't be a close relative and then she'd have to go into the whole story. She'd only given Olivia sketchy details, enough to make her understand Jean was more than an aunt.  
"Ok" Fin didn't seem assuaged by the answer. "You'd tell me right, if she was ya know…"

Olivia nodded. "I would and she's not". Olivia was surprised for a minute when she had to think would she tell anyone if Amanda was gambling? Was it really getting to that point where she'd keep secrets for Amanda? She shook her head to clear the thought away. Now was not the time.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Arriving home with more take-out Olivia reminded herself that while Amanda was gone it was really time to get to the gym otherwise she'd be buying a new wardrobe for her weight rather than the weather.

Setting the food down on the counter she was reaching for plates as Amanda played the recordings on her answer machine.

The robotic voice sounded loud and clear 'You have 2 New Messages'. Olivia respected Amanda's privacy and admired how sincere the blonde was in still respecting hers as well. But she couldn't help but overhear the recordings. The first was a cable company offering to install new channels for twenty dollars less than she was paying right now. The second message was much louder and the background noise sounded like the person calling was on a payphone along a highway.

"Amanda, Amanda…" Amanda walked out of the bedroom as she heard the familiar voice. Olivia knew it was Kim too having met her twice before.

"Amanda, pick up the goddam phone. Shit, you know what, that's just you all over, never there when I need you". The hollow laugh that emerged from Amanda's direction made Olivia want to throttle Kim just a little bit.

The message continued "Thanks for lettin' me know Jeanie was dead. She was like a Mom to me Manda, you coulda at least called. I'm gettin' a lift back home with Mark, or is it Mike? Anyway you better be comin' sis, I got some news" The dial tone sounded and Amanda stood staring at the answering machine contemplating throwing it out the window or against the wall, she couldn't decide which would make her feel better. Olivia had obviously seen the look in her eye as she came over and slipped her arms around her kissing her temple softly.

"That girl is gona be the death of me, I swear" Amanda's accent was more pronounced having listened to her sister's message.

Pulling away abruptly Olivia was left slightly stunned as Amanda walked into the kitchen. Not wanting to invade her space anymore Olivia sat at the table and allowed Amanda to move around and do whatever she needed to.

A few minutes later Amanda joined her at the table placing the plate with her dinner on it in front of her.

"Sorry about that"

"There's no need to be sorry Amanda"

"Sor… She smiled. I think it's just a word I'm used to using when it comes to Kim. Seems I'm always the one that ends up doing the apologising even though she's the one that did the damage"

Amanda played with the food on her plate as she thought back through some of her earliest memories of her sister.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nah. It's just the way she is. As soon as she knew how to hitchhike she'd get into a truck with anyone. I'm surprised she got a name this time. Half the time she'd just share their weed and when she ran out of money or they ran out of weed they'd part company. Then I'd go pick her up at whatever gas station she'd been dumped at"

Amanda's eyes were still downcast and her voice was heavy as she spoke about Kim.

"Sounds like she was hard work"  
"She was. And Jean, well Jean took it upon herself to try and save Kim. It was never something she was going to do, but God rest her soul she tried. Bailed her out more than once and when I couldn't pick her up Jean went to get her"  
"Where was everyone else?"  
"Well my Dad was sleeping his way around the states as I told you before. And my Mom, well she drank a bit, you know 'for her nerves' – Amanda did the air quotes with her fingers – so she usually wasn't sober enough to go and pick Kim up whenever she called.

Olivia reached out and rubbed her thumb over the knuckles of Amanda's hand that was resting on the table. She knew too well the perils of having a parent who was an alcoholic.

"Sounds like it was rough growing up"  
"No worse than some kids had it. And better than some I've seen on the job". Amanda had thanked God that she'd at least had a roof over her head and food in her stomach most of the time, on more than one occasion when they came across cases with kids involved.

Olivia squeezed her hand gently "You honestly don't know what the word martyr means do you?"  
"No? Tell Kimmy that. According to her I'm the biggest one going"  
"She obviously doesn't know you very well"

Amanda nodded as she finished the last mouthful of her dinner "No she doesn't know me at all"

They finished off their dinner and as Amanda was about to make her way to the sofa after doing the wash up, Olivia hollered from the bedroom after her shower that she was going to go to bed.

The offer was too tempting to miss. Amanda had felt so lonely the last few nights when she'd fallen asleep without Olivia beside her. She smiled to herself as she stripped off on her way to the shower. Taking only a few minutes to wash away the day she tied her hair in a ponytail and pulled on the shorts and string top she'd left on the towel rail that morning.

The bedside lamp was still on when she walked into the bedroom. Olivia was reading some paperwork.

"You know at some point you have to stop working"

"I was planning on it when you came to bed"

"Here I am"

Olivia laughed as she placed the folder on the floor beside the bed. Amanda climbed onto the bed and knelt up so she could straddle Olivia's knees. She hadn't repeated her attempts at straddling her waist since the last time but she knew from this distance she could still kiss her the way she wanted.

Olivia leaned forward and captured her lips in a gentle but probing kiss wrapping her arms around Amanda's shoulders and pulling her closer.

Amanda smiled as she pushed her back lightly.

"My, you're awful playful tonight"

Olivia laughed as she leaned forward for another kiss. This time it was more intense as she felt Amanda's tongue snake between her parted lips. Breathing options were limited so heads moved at various angles as they gulped in breaths between intense kisses. Amanda felt herself moving but she wasn't the one doing it. She realised Olivia was turning them over and she squealed slightly when she ended up under the brunette on the bed.

Olivia looked down into those stunning blue eyes and got totally lost.

"Do you know how beautiful you are?"  
Amanda was caught off guard by the question, but the ever-prepared detective in her had a quick retort "Yes, I get told all the time by meth heads and balding perverts what a hottie I am"

Olivia leaned in and kissed her deeply.

"Well, they're fucked up, but they're right"

Amanda laughed and Olivia leaned in for another kiss to show her she was serious.

When they pulled apart Amanda saw a spark in Olivia's eye, a spark she'd never seen before, one of heat and desire. She'd seen the other detective look mad, angry even. But this was totally different.

"Uh, Liv, hold on"

"For what" Olivia whispered quietly.

"For reality to kick in!"

Olivia smiled as she leaned in whispering into Amanda's ear "this is reality"  
As the olive skinned detective began to kiss down along her neck and as her tongue reached the valley between her breasts she pushed her string top down and out of the way so she could have full access to the soft milky white flesh adorned by pebbled pink buds which were standing to attention.

Looking down Amanda only managed to see Olivia's lips close over one of her nipples before the wave of pleasure washed over her and she closed her eyes.

"Oh, Liv"  
Olivia smiled as she continued to suck gently on the nipple, raking her teeth over it and soothing it with a lick of her tongue before returning to attack Amanda's mouth with quick kisses.

Before she could move back down her body Amanda took her head in her hands and held her in place as she looked deep into her eyes

"Liv, baby, we don't have to do this"

"I know. Do you want to?"

Amanda nodded. She wanted nothing more than to feel Olivia touch her and kiss her and help her forget the last few days. But she was worried that it would be too much for her.

"I just want to know…" Amanda looked down for a moment and then back into those chocolate brown pools "I just want to know you're going to be okay. That this isn't going to be…"

Olivia put one hand to Amanda's cheek and leaned in to kiss her gently.

"I'm okay. I want you to be okay too. And right now, I think this might be the best way"

Amanda laughed "You're not gona hear any argument from me lady!"

Olivia giggled as she kissed her way back down Amanda's body pushing her top back up and instructing the blonde to take it off. When she reached her stomach she began to draw tiny circles around her belly button with the tip of her tongue and traced a line of kisses from one hip bone to another as she looked up at the woman above her who was looking down at her smiling.

She held her gaze as she hooked her fingers inside the top of Amanda's shorts and panties.

Amanda nodded and smiled and the smiled was reflected in the mischievous grin that was returned from Olivia.

Pulling the grey shorts and pink panties half way off she didn't need to finish the job as Amanda kicked them off herself.

Kissing her way up along one thigh Olivia smiled as she felt a small quiver run through Amanda. Ignoring it she kissed down the other thigh and heard a moan of protest.

She didn't want to tease the blonde however, she knew that Amanda needed to be shown how loved she was.

Kissing back up she reached the inside of the milky white skin on Amanda's right thigh. She licked from the v of her thigh up to her hip and across her pubic bone but this time she stopped half way. Moving towards Amanda's centre she could smell the sweet scent of arousal already and she was surprised to see Amanda was already quite wet.

Placing a chaste kiss on her clit she continued her journey with her tongue, down Amanda's slit, right to her opening where soft pick flesh was damp and warm.

Slipping the tip of her tongue into Amanda she heard a moan from the blonde. Pushing further in she felt Amanda push he hips up off the bed to meet her tongue. As she began to move faster she heard a faint plea of "more" from the other woman.

Removing her mouth, blue eyes were on her immediately, concern filling them. Olivia's heart nearly broke at how amazingly considerate Amanda Rollins was. Moving fast so she was by her side in seconds she said quietly

"I'm fine, I just wanted to be up here with you, wanted to watch you"

Amanda smiled "K". it was all she could manage as she was still keyed up.

Slipping her hand down between Amanda's legs to resume the movements of her tongue she pushed to fingers into slippery heat and once again felt Amanda's hips rise of the bed

"Oh Liv, yes, yes, there" Amanda was panting as Olivia quickened the pace of her fingers.

Looking down on the blonde below her as she rode her fingers hard she realised she really was falling in love with her.

"You look so fucking gorgeous"

Amanda couldn't answer. She was lost in the movement of Olivia's fingers inside her. But she managed to open her eyes and look at the woman who was owning her at that moment

"Fuck, Liv, baby… so… so close"

"Tell me what you want me to do"

Amanda had reached down and was pinching her nipples hard but it wasn't having the desired effect.

"Harder, my clit, harder"  
Olivia nodded as she knelt back keeping her fingers inside Amanda but balancing herself so she could use her other hand to work her clit

"Ah…" The first contact caused Amanda to buck hard, almost dislodging Olivia from a not quite stable position. But Olivia wasn't fazed, she was totally concentrated on helping Amanda get release.

"Yes oh fuck yes… Liv baby, yes… there" Olivia curled her fingers against the soft g spot she'd just found. That was all it took for the movement of Amanda's body to cease. She seized up as a strong orgasm took her breath away. Olivia felt a large amount of wetness on her fingers and palm, realising that Amanda had come so hard she'd squirted slightly.

She was amazed she could make any woman cum like that.

When she kissed her way up Amanda's chest and neck and placed a quick kiss on her cheek she noticed it was red hot. Amanda was looking the other way.

"Sweetheart, look at me"

Amanda shook her head but Olivia left her no choice as she slid her hand behind her neck and turned her round to face her.

"What's wrong"

Amanda looked bashful for a moment and then just blurted it out

"Jesus I just came all over you. I'm sorry Liv, it's just, I've been…"  
"Horny?"  
Amanda laughed as Olivia leaned in for a quick kiss.

"That. And I've just been thinking about that for so long.

"I'm sorry it's taken me so long"  
"No it's wasn't you"

"It was though"

"No it really wasn't. Hell I'd been thinking about it long before you came to stay"

"Really?"  
"Just a bit"  
"Just a bit?" Olivia echoed mockingly

"Shut up Benson"

Olivia laughed as she gathered the blonde into her arms and reached to switch off the lamp.

Amanda stopped her with a kiss and when she pulled back she saw a spark in those blue eyes that told her exactly what the blonde had in mind.

"Not tonight. I want this to be for you"  
Amanda was slightly taken aback but she didn't argue. She just nodded and leaned in for another kiss.

"I owe you"  
"You said that to Fin earlier, is there something I should know?"  
Amanda tickled her under the comforter and Olivia let out a loud yelp.

"Funny Liv, very funny"  
"I try"

Olivia felt the smaller woman snuggle into her and as she rested her hand on her hip she began to draw the soft circles that had given her so much comfort in the last few weeks. She hoped it would do the same for the smaller woman.

As Amanda was dozing off they whispered their usual goodnights. In her semi-conscious state Amanda Rollins did what she never would have done had she been coherent and said the 'L' word. Olivia smiled. She knew Amanda didn't know what she was saying and she was asleep by the time Olivia kissed her on the top of her head and said it back.

Holding her just that little bit closer Olivia felt a serenity come over her that she hadn't felt before. She liked it a lot.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

**A/N 3: Again apologies for the long wait! Hope you enjoyed it. If you have any suggestions on what you'd like to see me do with these two feel free to chuck suggestions my way. I've a few more chapters to add to this one but I'm always open to suggestions! **


End file.
